Growing up because the daughter of Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher and the granddaughter of display legend Debbie Reynolds, Billie Lourd wished to make it clear that she was her personal individual. But their deaths, inside someday of one another in December 2016, modified that.
“When they were alive, I feel like I really tried to avoid doing things in their shadow,” Lourd stated on Wednesday’s version of the New Day podcast. “We got offered all these random photoshoots … but I didn’t want to do them when they were alive, because I wanted to make sure that people knew me separately from them and now I wish I could run back and do all of those photoshoots. And do anything with them, really. I guess I just tried to separate myself from them more while they were alive. And now I feel like I’m kind of trying to do the opposite. I try to connect myself to them, because I miss them. And that’s been really difficult and sad for me.”
Because of her very well-known household, Lourd has needed to do a lot of her grieving in public, like when the paparazzi snapped images of her on the non-public memorial held for them. And she was open in regards to the problem of that.
“To put it lightly, it was brutal. It was really, really brutal and … I hesitate and stutter, because it’s really hard for me, because everything I say gets, you know, turned into some headline that I didn’t mean,” she stated.
Lourd cited a headline about three months after her losses that made it sound like, as she put it, she was comfortable to have the ability to simply be Billie.
“It sounded like I wanted them to die, and that is absolutely the opposite of what I wanted,” Lourd stated. “I would do anything to get them back, but it sounded like I was excited.”
Even now, Lourd stated, she misses her grandmother and particularly her mother day by day.
“She was the greatest, funniest person ever. She was my best fucking friend ever,” she stated. “There’s no one who will ever be as funny as her.”
As a lot because the Booksmart actress loves her mom, she acknowledged that their relationship was generally troublesome. When the host talked about Fisher’s books, Lourd identified that 2004’s The Best Awful, a sequel to Postcards From the Edge, fictionalized her childhood.
“I love that one but it’s also kind of rough, cause it’s about me and my dad, and it’s one of those situations where I was thrust into the public eye without wanting to be thrust into the public eye,” Lourd stated. “And I’m like 7 in the book, and there’s a lot of true stories in it. I read it recently and had to go jump in the ocean … and sit there for a second.”
Lourd needs that her mom would have revisited what she wrote, as a result of she thinks it may need helped their relationship.
“When I read [her books], especially that one, I really wish she would have reread them. She could’ve learned from her stuff, but she really just, like, gave it to an editor and never looked at it again. And I wish she would have reread it because, I mean, there’s a whole section in that one about her being an abusive mother and how, you know, brutal it was for me,” Lourd stated. “And that’s when I had to go jump in the cold ocean and take a deep breath, ’cause I just was so confused that she didn’t reread it and didn’t stop being an abusive mother. It was so well written and she was so wise and so self-aware of the things she was doing to me and doing to other members of our family, and she couldn’t stop. She couldn’t stop. Part of me thinks if she would’ve reread it, she would’ve been able to, but who knows?”
As Lourd noticed firsthand, Fisher was beneath a variety of strain and did not have a lot help. It was primarily Lourd who supplied that help and, in consequence, grew up rapidly. Part of the issue, as she sees it, was that Reynolds wasn’t there for a lot of Fisher’s childhood, and so Fisher was round an excessive amount of for hers.
“Because I was her best friend. I was her mother. I was her kid. I was her everything and that’s one of the things I’m learning not to do with my kid,” stated Lourd, who has a 1-year-old son, Kingston, with fiancé Austen Rydell. “That’s one of the things that I will not do to my son is put this pressure on him that I had on me.”
In truth, Lourd and Fisher had been such an enormous a part of one another’s lives that, when requested, Lourd answered that if her mom had been nonetheless alive, life could be a lot completely different.
“I don’t know if I would’ve been able to do some of the work and some of the roles that I have been able to do, because I was also so busy taking care of her, is the truth,” Lourd stated. “And I wouldn’t have had time for those 16-hour days and had time to say yes to things that I wanted to say yes to, because my main job when she was alive was taking care of her and making sure she was OK.”